– And Why It’s Actually A Good Thing

We all know how good it is to taste success; to celebrate a victory when you’ve put so much work into your goals.

But about when you try and fail? When, despite all your best efforts, things don’t go your way? Failure is a cruel foe. One that can provoke feelings of not enoughness, cause us to buy into limiting beliefs, and – crucially – prevent us from ever trying again.

But here’s the thing. Everyone fails. Even world-renowned basketball player Michael Jordan, who famously said:

“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

It’s all too easy to let failure define us, but, as Michael Jordan so clearly puts it, failure is a vital ingredient when it comes to success. It shows you’re out there taking shots, and when you think about it, isn’t that better than not trying at all?

Ready to find out how, just like Michael Jordan, you can use failure as a launchpad for success? Great, we’ll show you how.

But first, to deepen your understanding, let’s look at…

Why failure feels so bad

Most of us can relate to how soul-shatteringly frustrating, disappointing, and confidence-breaking failure can be.

Ever wondered why that is? Well, failure can bring our insecurities to the fore. We see it as a reflection on our abilities and allow self-doubt to take hold. We internalise it and assume that not only have we let ourselves down we will continue to do so.

Add to that, if you were actively trying to achieve something great, you likely put a whole lot of heart and soul into that goal. It can be devastating to think our efforts aren’t enough.

The advent of social media certainly hasn’t helped. With so many people celebrating their successes online, it can feel as though you are the only one encountering setbacks. But let us assure you this isn’t the case. EVERYONE encounters failure.

Why reframing failure is so important

Get this: in scientific studies, failure was shown to make our goals seem tougher and further out of reach. Add to that, failure makes us doubt our abilities. When we perceive our goals as harder to reach, we see ourselves as less capable than we really are. It’s a double-whammy.

Over time, failure can damage our motivation and make us less likely to take calculated risks as well.

But don’t fret if you’ve encountered your fair share of failure. With a let know-how, failure can actually set you up for success. We’re here to show you to how to reframe it and move forward…

How to recover from failure

Take some time to wallow

That’s right, you’re allowed to feel sad when things don’t go your way. You don’t need to paint on a smile or insist you’re fine when failure has dealt you a devastating blow.

And there’s a very good reason why feeling all your feelings is a great tactic to follow right now.  

See, in The Chimp Paradox, psychiatrist Dr. Steve Peters introduces readers to the ‘chimp brain’. He explains that inside every one of us is a temperamental ‘chimp’.

The chimp is the emotional part of our brains and you best believe it’s going to act up when you encounter failure. You can tell the chimp is in control when you indulge in angry, childish, and stroppy behaviour.

It’s that voice that says ‘I’ve tried once. No way am I trying again!’. When you feel this way, you might believe that your job is to get your anger and frustration under control.

Not so. Dr. Steve Peters advises ‘exercising your chimp’ in a safe environment. That means, when you’re feeling frustrated in the face of failure, you should let it all out. Scream, shout, and wallow if you need to. Vent to a trusted friend if it helps.

Dr. Peters says when you express yourself like this, you exhaust the chimp part of your brain and reason and logic can gradually return.

So there you have it: set yourself a deadline and allow yourself to wallow for an hour, a day, or however long you need.

Look out for thought distortions

Sometimes our minds like to play tricks on us and tell us things that aren’t true. These pesky untruths are sometimes called thought distortions and there’s a pretty common one most of us encounter when we fail:

I have failed so therefore I am a failure.

Here’s a few others you might be familiar with:

·        I’m not good enough – I knew it!

·        There’s no point in trying again!

·        My friend/colleague/cousin would never fail like this.

You shouldn’t let these distortions deceive you. Look out for blanket assumptions like these and do your best to remember, they aren’t true! What empowering thoughts could you replace them with instead?

Celebrate your progress

You probably can’t see it right now because you’re blinded by failure, but chances are you’ve actually made tonnes of progress since you started working towards your goal.

Maybe you’ve overcome some major mindset shifts, adopted some game-changing new behaviours into your routine, or hit some pretty major targets that once felt out of reach.

Failure often causes us to indulge in black and white thinking: we get one thing wrong and assume that we’ve been failing all along. But take some time to reflect and you’ll soon see that’s not the case.

Grab a pen and piece of paper and challenge yourself to write down 20 things you have achieved in the past three months. Really dig deep and think about everything you’ve accomplished big and small.

When you do this, two things happen: you realise that, firstly, you aren’t a failure at all; you’ve actually had lots of successes. And secondly, you’ll feel motivated to carry on.  

So go on, celebrate all those big and small wins. No matter how tiny or insignificant they seem. Want to go one further?

Reward those wins as well. A fancy meal, a new outfit, or an expensive purchase can act as a physical reminder of your successes and inspire you to create more of them.

See it as a setback not a stop sign

Here’s the thing about failure: often we see it as a sign to give up. We hit a roadblock and instead of finding ways to move around it, we turn right back around and go home, often vowing that we’ll never venture out again.

We see failure as a stop sign, rather than a minor detour. Open yourself up to the possibility that this setback isn’t a sign to give up, it’s a catalyst for growth.

You’ve hit this roadblock because there’s something you need to learn to move forward. It could be a new business skill or a mindset hack you need to embody. Either way, this stop-gap is a moment to reflect on how you’ll get to where you want to go next.

Ask yourself: what do I need to move around this roadblock? What skills or knowledge am I currently lacking? What do I need to grow into the next version of me and to hit my next level of success?

Soon you’ll be back on track. Roadblock? What roadblock?

Learn from it

By now you know that failure really stings. But did you know it’s scientifically proven to be one of the best ways to learn?

According to a study published in the Journal of Behavioral Decision Making, people who ruminate on their feelings of failure are more likely to try harder to correct those mistakes down the line.

Because failure hurts so much we don’t want to make the same mistakes again. So how do you learn from failure? Reflecting seems to be the secret ingredient.

Selin Malkoc, co-author of the study mentioned above says, “Emotional responses to failure can hurt, but if you focus on how bad you feel, you’re going to work harder to find a solution and make sure you don’t make the same mistake again.”

So, ask yourself: how do I feel right now? Really dig deep and try to identify each emotion. Write about your feelings in a journal. Chances are you won’t want to feel like this again.

Next, use some journal prompts to dig out what you’ve learned from this experience. You can use the following:

·        Why has this particular failure hurt me so much?

·        What limiting beliefs, doubts, and insecurities has this failure brought to my attention?

·        Looking back, could I have predicted this failure? Can I spot what caused it? If so, how might I prevent this from happening again?

·        What gaps in my knowledge or skill set has this failure helped me identify?

·        Are there any positives that have come from experience? If so, what are they and how can I use them to my benefit?

·        What are my three biggest lessons from this experience?

·        How will I use these three lessons to improve in the future?

Always a lesson, never a failure…

Imagine how boring life would be if you never failed. No, seriously think about it for a second. Imagine everything you did worked out on the very first try and you never had to put in any effort, learn a new skill, or develop your mindset.

Life would get very dull very fast, wouldn’t it? Failure can be frustrating, disappointing and demoralising (especially if you encounter a string of failures) but success simply wouldn’t feel as rewarding if we nailed it every single time.

There’s a real joy in learning and adapting as you go along. It gives you something to really feel proud of – and every single failure has little nuggets of wisdom hidden inside.

Once you remove the self-judgement and shame, you can start over with a wealth of freshly gleaned knowledge behind you.

As Whoopi Goldberg puts it, “Failure is only an opportunity to more intelligently begin again.”

Other resources

How to Fail: Everything I’ve Ever Learned From Things Going Wrong by Elizabeth Day

The Discomfort Zone: How to Get What You Want by Living Fearlessly by Farrah Storr

The Power of Failure: Developing Resilience in a Mad World Paperback by Timothy Cantopher

From Failure to Success: Everyday Habits and Exercises to Build Mental Resilience and Turn Failures Into Successes by Martin Meadows

Failosophy: A Handbook For When Things Go Wrong by Elizabeth Day